Money can create friction in relationships, but what if it had the potential to become an instrument for connection and joy? A recent episode of the Three Rules podcast features best-selling author and personal finance expert Ramit Sethi, who discussed concrete techniques to help couples harmonize their finances with their values. Excerpted from his new book Money for Couples, Sethi turns traditional financial advice on its head and offers an unconventional way to build a financial life with your partner. These are his three transformative rules—and how to apply them.
Rule 1: Stop Arguing About Small Expenses—Focus on the Big Picture
Couples often fixate on minor purchases (“Why did you buy the expensive steak?!”) while ignoring the 300,000 questions: What kind of life do we want to build together? Sethi explains that trivial fights about Target runs or grocery bills are distractions. “We’re obsessed with 300,000 questions: What kind of life do we want to build together? Sethi explains that trivial fights about Target runs or grocery bills are distractions. “We’re obsessed with 3 problems when we should be discussing our vision for the future,” he says.
How to Fix It:
At a minimum, Sethi endorses a 10-minute, judgment-free conversation built around four questions:
- Acknowledgment of past friction: “I recognize that I haven’t always been fair in our discussions about money. I want to change that.”
- Share feelings: “I get anxious when we talk about money. How do you feel?”
- Define goals: “I want to feel confident and connected. What about you?”
- Set a follow-up: “When should we revisit this?”
This approach shifts the dynamic from blame to collaboration. “Most couples only talk seriously about money four times in their lives—usually during crises,” Sethi notes. Proactive, positive check-ins prevent resentment and keep priorities aligned.
Rule 2: Money Isn’t Just for Saving—It’s for Living a “Rich Life”
Frugality has its place, but Sethi warns against letting savings become an obsession. “Your worth isn’t your savings rate,” he says. Instead, couples need to define their “rich life”—the experiences and values to spend extravagantly on.
How to Build Your Rich Life:
- Know Your “Money Dials”: These are categories you have a passion for spending on (think travel, dining, wellness). Set these dials on purpose—spend more in this space and cut costs cruelly elsewhere,” Sethi recommends.
- How to Ask the Math Question: For any major purchase, ask, “How do I know I can afford this? Responses should come with figures, not just feelings.For example:
- A car payment shouldn’t exceed 10% of your monthly income.
- A vacation fund is justified by automating savings upfront.
“Money is a tool for adventure,” Sethi emphasizes. “Saving aggressively lets you spend freely on what matters—but you need a plan.”
Rule 3: Merge Your Money (But Keep Some Separate)
Sethi’s research shows that couples who combine finances report stronger relationships—but autonomy is key. His framework:
- Joint Accounts: For shared goals (bills, vacations, home down payments).
- Individual “No-Questions-Asked” Funds: For personal splurges, whether that’s a spa day or a gaming console.
- Monthly Money Dates: Review budgets, celebrate progress, and adjust goals.
Tackling Income Imbalances:
If one partner earns significantly more, Sethi is blunt: “If you’re serious, your future is together.” He shares his own experience: “I made more than my wife, but insisting we manage money together made her confident and our partnership stronger.” Transparency and teamwork, he argues, prevent power imbalances and ensure both partners feel empowered.
The Take: Money Can Bring You Closer—If You Let It
The rules Sethi provides boil down to three principles: communication, intention, and partnership. By centering on shared dreams, spending with intention on what fuels joy, and navigating money like teammates, couples can turn finances from a battleground to a pedestal for their richest life.
In Sethi’s words: “Money isn’t spreadsheets—it’s about creating a life you love, together.
Ready to dive deeper? Look to Ramit Sethi’s Money for Couples for the scripts, templates, and steps you need to open the dialogue.